Songs of Desi Programmers

# Local Variable:

Mein pal do pal ka shayar hoon, pal do pal meri, kahani hai, pal do pal meri hasti hai..

# Global Variable:

Main har ik pal ka shayar hoon ,har ik pal meri, kahani hai,har ik pal meri hasti hai


# Null Pointers:

Mera jeevan kora kagaz kora hi reh gaya.

# Dangling pointers:

Maut bhi aati nahi ,jaan bhi jati nahin.

# Goto:

Ajeeb dastan hai yeh Kahan shuru kahan khatam, Ye manzilen hain kaun si,Na woh samajh sake na hum

# Two Recursive functions calling each other:

Mujhe kuchh kehna hein,mujhe bhi kuchh kehna hein pehle tum, pehle tum.

# The debugger:

Jab koi baat bigad jaye,Jab koi mushkil pad jaye tum dena saath mera hamnawaz.

# From VC++ to VB:

Yeh haseen vaadiyan,Yeh khula asmaan, Aa gaye hum kahan.

# Untrackable bug:

Aye ajnabi, tu bhi kabhi, awaaz de kahin se.

# Unexpected bug (esp during presentation to client):

Ye kya hua, Kaise hua, kab hua, Kyon hua.

# And then to the client:

Jab hua, Tab hua, O chhodo, ye na socho.

# Load Balancing:

Saathi haath badhana, ek akela thak jayega,mil kar bojh uthana

# Modem ( modem talk on a busy connection):

suno - kaho,kaha - suna,kuch huwa kya?, abhee to nahin..

# Windows getting open sourced:

Parde mein rahne do parda na uthao, parda jo uth gaya to bhed khul jayeha,allah meri tauba, allah meri tauba


Read more: Songs of Desi Programmers

The Smart Software Engineer

Once a smart S/W engineer and his Project Manager were traveling towards Ooty in a train. Just Opposite to their seat, a beautiful girl was sitting along with her grandmother. Within some time, Eye-Eye interactions started between Our S/W engineer & that girl.

After some minutes, train started moving into a tunnel and it was very dark. Suddenly, every body heard a Kiss sound followed by a sound of slapping. Every body remained silent, when the train came out of the tunnel.

Grandma thought that," The Guy is a rogue; how dare he is? He has kissed my grand daughter! But my Grand daughter is genuine; she immediately slapped that guy."

PM thought that,"I can't believe that this guy has kissed that girl! But it is unfair that she slapped me by mistake"

That girl thought that,"I feel happy, when that guy kissed me, but I feel sorry that my grandma has slapped him".

Finally, do u know what our clever S/W engineer thought? " This one minute in my life is wonderful, It hardly comes...because, at a time I have kissed a girl and also I have slapped my PM."

Read more: The Smart Software Engineer

Call Center Jokes

1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent,but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

3).Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."!
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."

4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$

5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,canyou see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."

7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"

8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocerystore."

9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?

13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

16). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Letme know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you ! the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

Read more: Call Center Jokes

Marketing

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

 

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

Read more: Marketing

Learn C after Marriage

Learn  'C'  after marriage
==========================
   
struct Indian_female_professionals
{
                        double styles;
                        short skirts;
                        long time_to_understand_problems;
                        float mind;
                        void knowledge;
                        char non_co-operative;
        }
   
      struct married_females
           {
                      double weight;
                      short tempered;
                      long gossip;
                      float hopes;
                      void  word;
                      char unstable;
            }
   
   
        struct engaged_females
            {
                       double time_on_phone;
                       short attention_on_work;
                       long boast;
                       float on_cloud_nine;
                       void understanding;
                       char edgy;
               }
   
           struct newly_married_females
                {
                         double dinner_invitation;
                        short time_at_work;
                        long lunch_break;
                        void bank_balance;
                        char hen_pecked;
               }
   
   
   
            struct Indian_husband_wife_professionals
               {
                      double income;
                      short tempered;
                      long time_no_see_each_other;
                       void love_life;
                      char money-making;
               }

Read more: Learn C after Marriage

Digital Ramayana

PART-I

LAN, LAN ago, in the land of I/O-dhya, there ruled a king named
DOS-rat. Three queens had he - CONSOLE-ya, CHECKSUM-itra and CIE/CAE
(Kaikeyi). However, he had no line drivers - i.e. no one to perpetuate
his line. In sheer desperation, he performed a great sacrifice after
which his queens gave birth to four sons - RAM, LSIman, BUG-rat and
SED-rughana.

RAM was a microchip off the old block - he had an excellent
memory, he logged in quickly and semi-conducted himself in a manner fit
for a king. His brothers,  however, were only perpheralI ICs; everytime
RAM addressed them, they said, "I-C". Once when RAM was only sixteen
years old, the great sage Vish-WAN-mitra sought his help to fight some
DAEMONs  who  persistently  RAIDed  his hermitage.  After a brief
collision, RAM routed them so easily that he came to be called DAEMON
ROUTER.

RAM then proceeded to Media, where he married Pricess C+ta.
C+ta's sisters, who were not her blood sisters and hence called
TRAN-sisters, married RAM's ICs. This ceremony came to be known as TTL.
On the way back to I/O-dhya,  the entourage met Parasu-ROM (or
P-ROM as he was better known), the scourge of the kshatriyas. Taking up
the P-ROM challenge, RAM aimed an arrow at him; he threatened to take
away P-ROM's powers of locomotion, thereby converting him to Static RAM.
P-ROM humbly withdrew and the procession reached I/O-dhya.


Twelve years passed and DOS-rat decided to crown
RAM as his successor. However, CIE/CAE, at the
instigation of her BIOSed maid MANtharai(a real
plotter), insisted that her son Bug-rat be crowned king and that RAM
be banished to the FOR(;;)est for fourteen years. At this cruel and
unexpected demAND, a surge passed thru DOS-rat and he  CRASHED,
power-less.

RAM agreed to go to FOR(;;)est and C+ta insisted to go with him.
She said that at the time of her marriage, her father had advised her
to follow the footsteps of her husband like a shadow, hence, she came to be
called SHADOW-RAM.

LSI-man was also resolved on accompanying his
brother as a SLAVE LSI. Unable to bear separation,
DOS-rat died, setting the precedent that no  system  could function
in the absence of RAM. The forest was the dwelling of SPARC-nakha, the
sister of RAW-van, King of LAN-ka. Attracted by RAM's stature, she
proposed that he marry her. RAM routed her to LSI-man, who also politely
declined. Perceiving C+ta to be the source code of her distress, she
hastened to kill her.

At this stage LSI-man executed the Memory resident
code and converted SPARC-naak to SPARC-no-naak. He
TRUNCATED her nose.

Weeping, SPARC-no-naak fled to LAN-ka, where RAW-van, moved
by sisters plight, approached his uncle MAR-icha.
Ignoring MAR-icha's compilation warnings not to RISC SPARC-ing
a war with RAM, he insisted on going ahead.  Accordingly, MAR-icha
transformed himself into the form of golden sTAG and drew RAM deep into
the forest.

Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, who, with his last
breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice. Fooled by this
Virtual RAM cry, C+ta urged LSI-man to his brothers aid. Catching the
opportunity, RAW-van delinked C+ta from her library and changed her root
directory to LAN-ka by BROADCASTING her over sky.

  
PART-II

RAM and LSI-man started FINDing for the missing
i-node, c+ta all  over the forest. They made
friendship with the forest admin SU-greev and his
powerful co-processor ha-NEUMAN.

ha-NEUMAN was a legendary figure. He had a swollen
cheek  ARCHITECTURE. He was a child
prodigy and  came up with newer methedologies and
techniques which inspired many others.In particular his RAM mantra
technique became extremely popular for generations.

SU-greev agreed to help RAM but first wanted help
from RAM to  delete  his  own root node VAALI.(
valli?) SU-greev's intention was obvious. He wanted to be the
only admin around & wanted to grab all the consulting jobs in the
forest.
 

RAM fought with VALLI and surprised him using some un-documented
features.VALLI cried foul and started complaining to the justice
department saying that it was not a fair fight.RAM then convinced everyone
using his trademark MICRO SOFT WORDs coupled with a few FREE vedic
goodies.Though some of the onlookers such as ORACLE (seer)and pancha bhutas
such as SUN, disagreed with RAM's micro soft touch,they all shut their
mouths fearing RAM's reach among the user community.

SU-greev was happy with the outcome and ordered his programmers to
use powerful 'search' techniques to find the missing c+ta. His programmers
searched all around the INTER-NETworked forests. Some of them shouted
'YAA-HOO' but ended up with 'not found' messages. Several other search
 techniques proved useless.

ha-NEUMAN using a radically different paradigm devised a RISKy
technology and used it to cross the seas at astonishing clock speeds.
On the way he bumped with a few satellite signals but was able to avoid
deflections due to his own high strength. As soon as ha-NEUMAN reached
LAN-ka, he had to collide  with  its firewall called LAN-ki. The
firewall made disperate attempts to stop ha-NEUMAN entering into its
internal web, but the great ha-NEUMAN  detected  a  loop hole in
LAN-ki's firewall. Using micro code, he broke the security and entered
LAN-ka.

After doing some local search, ha-NEUMAN found C+ta weeping under
the weight of a TREE structure. ha-NEUMAN used a unique key-id (ring)
to identify himself to C+ta. After decrypting the key, C+ta believed
in him and asked him to send a STATUS_OK message to RAM through RING
topology.

Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS around C+ta tied ha-NEUMAN  and
tried to terminate  him using pyro-techniques. But ha-NEUMAN managed
to spread chaos among the raakshasas by SPAMMING the fire using some
side effects.

Several raakshasa programmers were later called to restore  the
operational stability in LAN-ka. ha-NEUMAN happily escaped LAN-ka again
and conveyed all the STATUS messages to RAM and SU-greev.

RAM felt happy with ha-NEUMAN's methedology of
execution and embarked on a project code named
EXPLORER to delete the netESCAPING RAW-wan. He even  
created a bridge and GATEWAY to acess LAN-ka network

In the mean time, signs were apparent in LAN-ka about the
imminent danger from RAM's project EXPLORER, but RAW-wan refused to
budge.

Sensing disaster, his own  sub-program  called
vibhee-SHUN,  executed  a 'GO TO'  statement and
branched out to RAM's camp. RAW-wan still insisted on taking the
all powerful RAM head-on. He decided to use the boons given to him by SUN,
sHIVa etc.and prepared for the battle on a remote island on LAN-ka
called JAVA.

He thought that his presence in JAVA will give him victory over RAM.
RAM and his entourage made small and buggy progress in the
begining but the world community on the whole started watching them with
awe. In the battle on JAVA island, it appeared initially that RAM had no
chance.

In fact one of the RAW-wan's SUN indrajIT(son)
almost killed RAM & LSI-man with a powerful brahma-astra called
JAVA-BEAN. It appeared for a while that the world has seen the end of
RAM's MICRO SOFT touch. But ha-NEUMAN resorted to some
ACTIVE-Xgradients from HILL GATES and concocted a potion using some herbs.

His powerful HERBAL-COMPUTER aided him in making this potion which
restarted RAM and LSI-man.Appearing, reluctant RAM used the source code
secrets of RAW-wan given by vibhee-SHUN and once
and for all wiped out RAW-wan's presense on the
earth. Before that he even SCHEDULED RAW-wan to come
next   day when all his resources were locked up bu RAM's virus
weapons He proved again that even the so called
invincible RAW-wan cannot be netESCAPED from his power.

After the battle, RAM spreaded his MICRO SOFT WORKS and other user
friendly programs to all users across the world and every one
lived happily thereafter.

END OF DIGITAL RAMAYANA


Read more: Digital Ramayana